There are a lot of things I should be doing right now. It's 11pm, and I need to catch a bus at 7:25am tomorrow. I have to read some scholarly article for my 8am Theoretical English class. I have to write a thesis that compares a poem by Robert Browning to an Italian phrase inscribed on a ring that Percy Shelley wore. I have to read chapter 11 of my Arabic For Life textbook. I have to read chapter 6 in my Marketing textbook. I have to write a campaign speech. And I have a couple unbuilt LEGO sets sitting in my room. It's safe to say I'm a busy person. So why, you ask, am I not doing any of that? Well, the answer is simple:
I don't care.
That's it. I don't care about anything that I have to do right now. Yes, I'm in school. So: yes, slacking off is going to affect my grades. But I don't care. I really don't. At the end of the day, I don't care about school. I don't really care about doing well at work. I don't care about life. In all honesty, if I were to fall asleep tonight and never wake up, I would be nonplussed. And that leads to a whole 'nother problem:
I want to care.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I have a serious problem with motivation. Ever since I was young, people (teachers, parents, peers, etc) have told me that I'm smart. As far as I'm concerned, I've never tried to be smart. Yes, I enjoy learning things; yes, I know a lot of random factoids. But, I've never made an effort to be smart in a practical or an education-based situation. And yet, I received this unwarranted positive reinforcement. An example that I like to point out happened just last year. It was my first year as an English major and I decided that I was going to get motivated and work as hard as university students are supposed to. With that in mind, I wrote a rough draft of a final essay for Sci-Fi class. It was well thought out, well-researched and, in my opinion, very insightful. I turned in the rough draft for review, and I got a D. Frustrated, I dismissed the paper completely, and rewrote a half-assed final draft, completely ignoring everything about that first draft: the thesis, the research, the everything. Between starting this new paper and turning it in, about nine hours had elapsed. I turned in the paper and received an A-. This singular event had successfully turned me away from working hard. Now, to the point. I don't like being lazy. But, my life so far has made it so easy to do minimal effort and still be moderately successful. It's absolutely terrible, I have reinforced motivation to not try. It's something that I want to change because it's exceedingly frustrating to not try at anything in life. But it's not that easy to start caring, because:
I can't care.
Whatever I'm doing, I can't seem to sit down and finish anything. As soon as I sit down with my Arabic textbook and flashcards, I immediately want to sit stand up and go do something else. It's a miracle I haven't gotten up to go eat a banana while writing this blog post. But that observation explains why I spend a cripplingly large amount of time on Reddit. Reddit doesn't always provide something funny, entertaining, or even interesting. But, it provides something. No matter when I go onto Reddit, there's always something and it's always different than the last thing. There's novelty on that site, and novelty is a venomous mistress. But it's not just my attention span. People have jokingly referred to me as a sociopath, and I sometimes wonder if that may, in part, be true. I find that I don't really care about other people. I've cut myself off completely from people I'd been friends with for over half my life without so much as a backward glance. I've dismissed most of my family, who live in the same city. I wouldn't even talk to my own parents, if they didn't insist on calling every couple of days. These, I'm told, are not normal human actions. I understand things like empathy, but I don't really feel them. I feel disconnected from the very fabric of reality, and it's awful. I'm isolated in my own mind. And I just want it to stop. I just want it to stop. I want to be a normal person. I want to work hard in university, and have friends that I hang out with, and get to know people on a personal level. I don't like what my life has become, and I don't know if I can change it.
Wow, this post got super depressing, super fast. I guess that's just where my mind goes when I let it wander. Anyway, it's 11:30 now, and I should probably get to bed. After all, I do have Theoretical English in the morning (what is that, by the way?). If you've read this far, I apologize. As far as my current therapist is concerned, I don't get this sad anymore, and if I can lie to her, I should be able to lie to myself. I mean, it's worked so far.